Sunday, November 28, 2004

A Wandering Through the Desert of My Heart Towards Perceived Light

Its been forever since I have entered. Almost a full month. Heh, how much can happen in a month? A lot. But I don't have it in me to go event by event to date, so we shall follow the hops and jumps of my mind to relative date. I need to dump, and that is what this post is. A dump. But it is also a pronouncement of renewed strength. I think, by this blog, I am slowly claiming my days, my actions, and my self. Brutal honesty. I can't help but lie sometimes to the outside world. It hurts too much to show them how foolish I can be. But here at least, I can set down the truth so that I do not forget myself. Every ugly and shining point and curve.

Heh, so I am waxing poetic tonight? yeah, and its a fairly melacholy tune. I feel like I have taken hit after hit, and just keep sitting up to find another bat in my face. Everyone is still around me, but its dark, and I am too embarassed to call out. How can I admit I have gotten myself into such a situation? I am watching a new anime- Hana Yori no Dango- and the main character refers to herself as "crabgrass sakura, imune to all pestisides." She will persevere. I watch her and what she goes through, and all I can think is how much easier it would be if she talked to someone. But I have no reason to talk. I do the same thing.

So... I was happy. Very happy. I was exhausted, but happy. About the job at November Designs. I thought my money problems were over, and it would be great for my application to the Architecture school. I could tell dad I had a good job that was in the same field as I hoped to work in after I graduate. I even told Steve, and Jeanne Crawford. And the day after I stood up for myself in class (I had gone to check out Steve's american Dream class monday night) I got a message telling me they didnt need me after all. I put in my heart and soul to everything. I worked from 8 am to 6 pm and after some times, and they didnt need me. Even worse, I lost money because I left for lunch once... and wrecked the truck. I hit a pole at dairy queen. I only earned a total of $240 before they dropped me, and the repairs to the truck.. thus far.. have cost $350 cash. Remember, I was out of money? Completely? I couldnt even make rent before. I REALLY couldnt make rent then.

But even the money situation... that was just added stress. Having to call my dad and tell him that I lost my job after having called him the day before to tell him about the damage to the truck.. and after I told him I quit a good job for more money at the school. I didnt have it, really. But- he thought I did. So what he would see is that his daughter gave up a good job to go chase a floating cloud that disappeared on her. What bad judgement. But the really funny thing is- I did give up a good job for more pay and more steady hours for that. I had gotten the transcriptionist job the day before I got the muralist internship.

Ha. So ironic. Go figure. I am bitter. I cried. I am still tearing up. I loved that job. I felt exactly like I should have.. giving up a good job to chase a dream that didnt pan out. I cried all afternoon, I think I might have bought some chocolate, or made something sweet... or ordered out. I needed something to sulk with. But I do remember sitting down to watch Steve's movies in my big bulky robe and my cell phone on my lap. My hands were trembling and I just couldn't deal with it alone. I called Sarah, but she wasn't there. I called Jinny, and she was at a party. But she talked to me, and made me feel a little better. After that, I sat there on the couch. Just kinda staring. It was bad. I finally ended up talking to mom. Whether she called me or I called her, I don't remember. I don't even know how I got her instead of dad, or if he talked first and I managed to keep my voice steady enough to where he didn't suspect. I told her, and I cried again. I was so scared of having to go home that weekend and face him. Not to mention facing grandma and grandpa with their ruined truck. It was a double slap. I couldn't tell them either. They called and asked about it once- asked how it was running, and I said it ran just fine. I couldnt tell them it looked three different colors now. Mom said we could keep it a secret about the job until I had left and found something else. I don't know if she saw the scenario from my view, or why she did it. I think she said dad would be furious and it would ruin my visit. But now, its two weeks or maybe three, and he still doesnt know. It feels wrong now. I dread telling him, but it eats at me every time he mentions it. He is so proud of me. I hate that part of myself.

Then there was registration. How do I apply for classes for next semester? I can take survey 3, but thats really the only architecture class that is available for me. If I do not get in, where do I go? Should I even think about that? Its so defeatist... but then to not have a plan is reckless. I tried to register... I got japanese 1 second semester, and thats about it. The one class I thought was really interesting, designing for humans, was canceled. So... I dont know how I am going to meet the 12 hour requirement for full hours.. do I even get full financial aid? I am not signed up for a full semester just yet? I am hoping I can still register at the beginning of the next semester without a hitch... if not.. god how do I explain that to my folks? I wont have enough to make rent. Even with a job. This apartment is a burden, but I dont know where else I could go...

Right now, I feel like I am holding on to something that is slowly slipping away, and someone is lifting my fingers, making it go faster. I can only see the fall now... my objective is blurred. Even if I do get into architecture school- what am I going to do there? To what end? I have already gained 30 grand in debt, and for what? but I cant do anything else right now. Architecture is all that I have. I can't imagine having to tell my parents I did not get in. Maybe, actually, I can. And that is why I fear it so much. Because what I truely can't imagine is standing up and walking forward from there with my head raised.

And yet, my grades this semester are awful. I could have done better, I think. I hope. Is this a defense mechanism? I sabotage myself so that I dont have to ever worry about running into the limit of my potential? Why can't I keep my determination level the same as my desire? Why can I not remain focused and passionate, always looking at the big picture? I did so many papers last second- I turned in things LATE for heavens sake!! I have lost my points for discussion because I overslept. I am missing important notes because I cant stay awake in class. I am loosing it. I am loosing my dream, and I can't motivate myself to wake up. Which is worse? a person who cannot find a dream, or a person who sees their dream, finds a path and people willing to help them achieve it, and turns away because they are scared?

Langvardt referred to college as a time to put yourself to the fire and melt away the impurities out of your beliefs and mind, to find your true self. What if all I have melted away is the guilding on a base metal? What am I? How many people can truely call themselves precious stones? How arrogant am I to hope to call myself rare? and don't I have to have that arrogance to push myself up above the masses and find what I want? I think... I have always admired the people with the steady gazes. The ones who see something, and focus on it wholly, firmly, and calmly. I feel like I have twirrled in the parking so long that my balance is gone, too foolish to find a focal point, I am now just waiting for my legs to give out.

Atashi wa baka da, ne? heh..I just felt an overwhelming need to find Sra. Misteriosa... Steve's glow in the dark toy/ guide for the rest of this semester. She is supposed to teach me something... but I don't know what. I am willing to try though. She watches me steadily through just about everything. I don't talk to her, but maybe... since she knows so many holy people... she doesnt need me to. If that is the case... then her face and her lesson for me may be one of patience...and calmness. A quiet accepting of what comes my way, with a firm countenance and will to do what I can with it. Do not hide, do not lie, accept the situation, and move accordingly with thoughtful speed and purpose. I made her look old... she was frozen in time as a young beauty. Well, more like a mature woman. She was wise, but her wisdom did not age her. Maybe the lesson of gracefully bearing the past? a life full of itself, and no regrets - is that even possible?

Anyway... I went on the camping trip with her. I painted her, made her a shawl, and sewed her into my braided hair. No one really mentioned my shirt- well andrea. But not Steve. I was dissappointed. It was wet. We crossed a river. Multiple times. But I had fun. I was/am upset about my performance. It highlights how out of shape I am... I was last at everything, and I was whiney. I regret being grumpy and upset for so long on the trip. I wasted a whole evening brooding over Dom. I was aware I liked him, but I had no idea how much until I heard him say he liked someone else on the trip, and watched him start to flirt with her. I felt like I had lost my place, which... I suppose is my home, as I defined my emotional state and relationship with others as the base which one calls 'home'. I felt very alone, and cried... a lot. But I cried alone. No one else could see me cry. There was fitting music, as I contemplated my lonely life- no boyfriend, no truely close friends, how I felt like I would give so much more than anyone else would give to me and how I would probably never find these things- as I thought about this, Steve played "Possum Kingdom" by a local fort worth band... about vampires.. but the refrain was "do you want to die?" in a very deep and pained baratone voice. But the funny thing was... I was able to answer it. No. It made me feel more resolved... or maybe that should be assured. I could walk up the trail alone in the dark, and down my path in life, borrowing a strangers light a few times as needed, and I could do it alone if I had to. I didn't need a home to exist and to move through my life.

This mood... was brought on by an extremely close moment. We got out on the side of the road and began dancing together in a circle. Laughing and doing whatever, and saying what we felt.. it was extraordinary. And it was something I never expected to happen in my life. To be so close to people, and such a part of the group. It highlighted to me how long it had been since I had actually touched another human being... even on the hand. My parents... at least a month. Other than my parents... almost a year. Thats a long time to go without something so reassuring. As that miracle moment came to a close, I realized it would almost certainly never happen again... being that close to people in heart and spirit. For me... maybe even body. I don't have much hope of finding a heh.. I am at a loss of how to put it, but I suppose it would be lover or soulmate or partner. How can I accomplish such a thing, when I have not had someone call me their best friend since 3rd grade? The people I cherish overlook me. I do not hold a high position in their regards. And yet... "do you want to die?" No. This much is bearable. And there is always hope.

So my reaction in the end.. steve's trip was a success, but perhaps not in a way he realizes. It was life confirming. Elsewhere though, it is winter, and I feel dead outside of my core. Even my trip to Japan... I am looking at study abroad options now so that I can still go. The way I stand now, there is no possibility of me going on my own for tourism. But perhaps if I get some financial aid to study abroad... I could go.

I stand on the edge of a cliff this semester, and my life is literally in the balance. Professionally and scholastically, I am in waiting to find out about the architecure school. If I achieve this goal in the next few months, no one can argue that my life will be dramatically different than if I do not. Can I really wait another year to apply again? I think, if I do not get in the first time, necessity will force me to choose a different career path. Emotionally, there is Japan. It is six months away, and I have no money for it. I am in debt, and had to borrow money to pay rent again, but it doesn't even cover my credit card debts. I have said since my sophmore year in highschool that I would leave the country. I set a deadline for it to be this year... I said I was going, no matter what. To test myself in a foreign country, my will, my strength, my courage to face the unknown... a test for myself.. the trip itself was supposed to be a test. But now, just going is the test. It has become a proof for myself that I have determination and will, and can make things happen for myself. That I will not hide from my desires, but work to fufill them, and not be afraid of the consequences. Can I achieve my dreams? Do I have the magic to make things happen as I see them? I think, that if I am able to push my way into the school of architecture after a year's struggles, and find a way to go to Japan, I will have prooved to myself once and for all that it is not a lie when people tell me "you can do anything you set your mind to." It will prove to me that I can act, and create a result. I can be effective, and achieve what I desire.

Come the end of Spring semester my answer will come ... and the alternate paths I could find myself on are startlingly different: one shows me well on the way to my dream job, and with a celebratory and self searching trip to japan which will leave me stronger, more confident, and full of hope and determination enough to live my future actively and with excitement, ever looking forward in gratitude. The other shows me defeated, crushed hopes, struggling to find an alternate route to happiness, and a way to hide my wounds. I might be able to recover, I will certainly go on no matter what, but there will always be an expectancy of doom I think... or maybe of chance and helplessness... that I am not in control of myself, and am at the mercy of the tides. I would feel helpless to change my situation for the better. Efforts would be futile.

I would like to say thats an exaggeration, but the weight strains my shoulders every day. I am acutely aware of the situation, and I feel so very alone and weak. I wonder what I would do without Kyuubi...I think perhaps I would be crying uncontrollably on my bed right now, if she werent here to sit in my lap and give me curious looks. She... is a help. I dont know what to make of her most of the time. She is an animal, and I bought her and own her. I am supposed to train her. But she is definately herself, with her own thoughts, desires, and perceptions. She can play, and comfort, and rebel... she is a roommate that is completely dependant upon me. Silently she watches me and keeps me company. Many times, I have felt like she was a burden, but at times like these, she is invaluable. She is my partner, my sidekick, my confidant. She is here to stay with me, and she knows when I am upset, and she comes to stay by my side. She is just a wonder... a mystery.. I don't know how to treat her many times. Is she my animal and pet that I should control? Sometimes, I feel like I have no right to limit her...But she is here for me. She is aware of me, and she cares, and tries to comfort me. That I am sure of.

Okay, well, thats where I am. For the most part. There are some things developing in the region of possibly going independant for the artist gig... Scott (second cousin) is commissioning me on two big pieces, and mom wants to talk to her gym about a new logo... its a thought. Its a very good thought. If it takes off, an independant muralist... heh.. it could be better than November Designs.. both tax wise, and for the application to arc school. If I can get the gym, and Scott and one or two other people before I have to apply, I might have a serious chance...

Hope- isnt it the flame that just wont give in to the wind?

I think... if I can get myself together... I just might make it to where they have to crush me completely... if I put myself out there wholly, and I get an interview or an essay or anything...how can anyone completely crush another?