Sunday, December 26, 2004

And the Umf is Gone?

More so to say... I am lacking enthusiasm at this point. I feel that I would have much more if I were away from my parents and the rest of the family. Having my mother around me every waking second is a bit nerve wracking. Not just in the nagging mom sense alone, but also the simple expectation of a performance always being present. I am myself, and yet, only so much as any person is themselves around their mother. Best behavior kinda thing... not so much anymore. But she expects it- and when she has no formal job to attend during the day, this can become quite tiresome.

This is not to say I do not enjoy her company- indeed, I loved being home the first three or four days. But once again, Ben Franklin has been proven right- fish and visitors smell in three days. I am ready to go back home. To Austin. Hell or high water, come what may, and a lonely new years eve. Its not like I wont be alone anyway- my parents want to go camping out at a friends ranch. I am not exactly prepared for such an adventure- nor does it sound all that appealing to stay in a run down shack praying the mice don't run over my sleeping bag while I lay unconcious and freezing.

I am also somewhat itchy to begin preparations for the next semester- I did not get the grades I needed in order to apply to architecture school. The art school is now looking like a serious alternative, with graduate school afterwards. But I must research this- and not on this crappy slow ass computer that lacks even messenger now that my uncle has locked it down tight with more security programs than I can count. I have done what I can to it- bit torrent is possible, but irc and kazaa are not. This I can live with. WinRAR has been installed for manga, which I will be yelled at when it is discovered. AIM is just to obvious- they would forbid me from computer use again. Simply because I alter a few things and make them go off their computer habitrails, they view me as a computer demon. Precursor to all their problems. Its not like it actually occurs to them to understand the basics about the computer and the programs they are running, and to memorize their passwords so that when I log on to something, they can relog on themselves later.... yes I am bitter. I am tired of being told I may not do things, and also being told to turn down the sound on the few bits of anime I am able to get.

I think this vacation is not a very good one thus far. I am strapped for cash, despite their generous gifts of it, and I am stressed by constant eyes. I feel their expectations crushing me, as well as the ever present form of my mother. I will get more rest at home. Where I can be myself, and do silly things, and go out to a show and have fun. I am not having fun here. I am meeting obligations and ruining any semblance of a diet I still had- which was not much to be honest. I think I am going to try to get back on it starting tomorrow or so. Cutting back on the flour again and the sugar. I just want a chance to cut loose though. I havn't spent so much as five hours total with friends or people my own age. I need to cut loose for my own mental health. I need that freedom to feel like I have had a real break, and to help me go on with my studies with more enthusiasm this next semester.

On another note, I am scared for my parents. My mother has actually maxed out the credit card with a 9,000$ limit for her craft store business. Thats a lot of debt, and a good reason to not give me much support with the Japan study abroad. It wouldn't be as bad if she actually had business records of it. Some kind of log showing profits and losses and expenses... but she doesnt. Its all in her head, and a drawer with recepits. She doesn't always remember the tax number, or her business checks, so she uses personal ones- which is just stupid. She is mixing accounts, and that seems like a surefire way to get in trouble with the tax man. Dad gets yelled at every time he mentions it- understandably. His demenor is very rough and offensive. But she doesn't seem concerned about it herself.

Add to this horrible weight, the knowledge that she has put in a large sum of money towards my skills. She is trusting me to be able to create some wonderful furnature for her- just by looking at a few examples and trying it out myself. She bought a huge amount of supplies, and now I am being expected to deliver from a $20 garage sale table, a $500 origional coffee/display table for an entry way that is both elegant and funky, and professional looking. All with her looking over my shoulder. If I fail to produce a viable product, not only has she lost around $300 in supplies, but she has an amazing amount of useless furnature, and then also loses a huge expected revenue... as well as I have lost a source of income. I think she has mentioned giving me 30% of the profits for my effort.. Which is nice, you know, $60 in materials, sold for $300, gives me around $80 per piece. Except you know... this first shelf is on its third day... going on its fourth, and I am still not sure of the process for the beading and fringe work, or near seriously working it out.

I still have the townhome to do as well in Houston. I have two canvases I have yet to learn how to stretch, I have lost the email adress of the client, and also the specifications. I also am lacking in photos to color match- although I am sure they took some. So much for my first professional comission. Heh. Actually, once I get back to Austin, I can begin focusing on that. I have another week here, and its really going to get to me. I want to ask about going earlier, but my mother says she feels so much more at peace knowing the whole family is under one roof... oh the guilt I would get. Its only four more days...until then I suppose I could try to find pictures to extract from.

On a good note, from the gift exchange I got what I wanted- and what I bought- two tickets to see the Cirque Dream at the Bass Hall come March 26th. I spent extra money to get those. Lots of it- tho I told my mother I got a discount. Heh... such a bad habit I have picked up. But in any case, its an awsome thought and chance. One problem- I forgot it was my great-grandmother's 97th birthday on the 25th, and we were supposed to be in Houston. I might check to see if I can change the date of the tickets, but I doubt it. But Granny is in such bad health.. its questionable whether she will make it that far. Which is horrible to say. But its the truth. But that makes it all the more important that if she does, I am there for her birthday. It will probably be one of the last times I ever see her. *agrivated sigh* I need to sleep for now... though I dont feel tired. I really wish I had my own apartment and my own bathroom here... nice long hot showers again. The water heater here sucks. Gnight.

Tuesday, December 14, 2004

Happy to be Alive

I am.

For no particular reason I thought this just now.

I have good music going, good anime on the way, I go to see my family tomorrow, and I have finished my finals. I may have not done as well as I needed to, but, despite what I have been saying recently, it is not the end of the world. I will persevere. I will live another day, and I will find a new way to get where I need to be.

This realization has made me so happy, so light, given me such a wonderful feeling... I need to document it. Write it down so that when I am in the depths of a slump, I will remember as I go through my diary/journal, that it is just that- a slump. Like the stock market, it will eventually go back up, as long as I wait and continue to live.

I have tears in my eyes right now, and a gigantic smile on my face, a gentile breeze in my heart and a rhythem in my feet, though I am tired from dancing already. I wouldnt give this feeling up for the world, because I already have it.

There was a time when I didn't know this... I think every time I feel this way, I can't help but remember middle school when I seriously considered suiside. It was a concious decision of my own to keep living. I fought it out inside my heart, and I decided that I would not let other people defeat me. Then I went to the counselor the next day for confession. I knew I needed help because I was not happy. But although I told her I had contemplated suiside, I was no longer in danger of it. I don't know if she realized that- she panicked, and made me sign a contract saying I wouldnt hurt myself. It was so silly, and I recognized it at that time. If I had wanted to hurt myself, I would not have been there. I think I was too young to realize exactly why it was silly though, or that everything was already over with that one decision I had made the night before- to live.

Its not that I saw this happy day back then, or anticipated it. It was simply a desire to not be beaten by the people I hated, or the people who hated me. But I would like it marked down now, that I am older, I am wiser, and there truely are brighter days ahead. Maybe they will not be happy in the same way they once were, but it is physically impossible for a human to go through their entire life without happiness. It just depends on the degree. If your life is miserable by one standard, even if you are in the thick of that misery, you can and will find and search for those few bright spots that will get you through the day. Even if it is just the bliss of a small child you happen to see playing innocently on the street. You will take and make that happiness your own. There is good in the world, no matter how much evil you see infront of you.

I want to go back and find that counselor and ask if they remember me, and then tell them this. Although they were useless to me, I want them to know that the people that come to them are already saved, and meerly need them to help close the path behind them. I am glad I made such a realization back then, and I am even more thankful that I can remember clearly that decision today, and every day I live. Simply because no matter how hard I am crying right now, I have still worked my way up from that point, and I will never be that low again. If I have worked that hard and gotten this far from there, no matter how bad I find myself again, I can once again work my way out. Maybe I will not be able to do it all by myself, but I can make the decision and realization that I need help.

I need help sometimes, and I am okay with that. Somewhere, if I look hard enough, there will be someone who is willing to give me their hand. And in the mean time, I have made, and continue to make the decision to live actively, and enjoy wonderful days like today, and find the small pockets of relief in times of hardship. No matter what comes my way, I will accept it and move forward, and I will be okay.

Tuesday, December 07, 2004


Its not as long between my last post. Ive been busy. Yeah yeah, I will get back to a regular schedule.

I cleaned today, and planned my final project for steve's class. It seems so weird to think I wont have him as a prof again next semester. It will be next fall again before I can take another class of his, I think. Its been rough, but thats that. I dont know if I will get in to architecture- I may look into the school of art and try to go for a graduate degree in architecture. *sigh* even more schooling. And a longer wait. But I want this... they can't block all the holes. I will persevere. They've gotta make a clerical error some time... :P heh.. not that funny okay.

So.. is it usual to be wigged out by a fortune cookie? I am. Got it over thanksgiving. Underneith my sign it says that my friends are important, but the fortune cookie says they are not long lasting. This hints that I make short term, but intense relationships. But it bothers me that I cannot keep those relationships. What happens? Why am I doomed for short term? Do I burn people that badly? Am I to be avoided? heh... yeah I know this is assuming a lot. Like fortune cookies and zodiac games are real. Which... is a long shot. But it doesn't mean that what they say doesnt ring true in this case... or at least this time. Most of my friends are only for a few years... and then we split up. Jinnifer Crutchfield, Alicia Wilkerson, Carrie Dove (still talk to but not close), Sarah Bolinger, and last in the line comes Meghan Murtha and Jinny Kwan. Long list of best friends, and one shouldnt have so many. However, I seem to run them off around 3 - 5 years. Or at least distance myself.

If I truely am like that, do I want it this way? I think not.. if my friends are so important, then why am I willing to give them up? I should have many important friends at the same time and continue to support them I would like to have their continuing support... I think. Do I ever really have support from them? Perhaps just some one to pass the time with. Wow. That's a cheap shot at people I have poured my heart and soul to... Okay, a bit tired, and I should sleep... but this has been rolling around for a while. What can I do to change this, and a step to that change- why am I like this? Its not good, I have settled on that at least. Lasting intense relationships that are stable... that seems much more appealing and assuring.