Saturday, April 30, 2005

Small Things Once Noticed

Okay this might be a strange entry, but its something that has caught my attention recently.

First off, have you ever noticed your own smell?
Not the bad kind of smell after you spend a day hiking through the woods and you are sweaty and icky and have dirt on your nose, but the one fresh out of the shower? I am not sure when I noticed it, but somehow it just popped up and I realized how I smell throughout the day... When I get out of the shower I smell like dial soap, slightly acidic, sharp and fresh, with a mellow deep cherry undertow to it in the thick steam. When I wake up and as I go throughout the day, without perfume I smell something vaugely like soft fresh challah (a type of egg bread). Its very soft and definately sweet, with a slightly sour finish. If I work out or become more active, before the old sweat smell takes affect, I would akin myself to olive oil with a hint of freshly roasted garlic. Its a very spicey smell, and deep, but not strong. And finally, my freshly worked out smell is something like sea brine, definately salty and deep, but that strength of spice is somewhat gone... its just fresh and slightly stings the top of the nose. Of course, long worked out is reminicent of dirty socks.. but I try to take a shower before I get to that point.

What's funny about this is that each and every scent has its allure. I like them- minus dirty socks. But I still wear perfume almost daily in some form or another- either Angel by Victoria Secret (light and sweet), or Happy (bright and citrusy), angel food (enough said), or just a dab of plain vanilla behind the ears. There is something ingrained in me about how my own natural smell is vulgar or unpleasant... but I do not find it to be that way at all. At least not with a daily shower.

Smells have been popping up everywhere lately, strong and clear. From freshly cut grass, to walking by someone chewing cinammon gum. It may be because for the longest time I was unable to breath through my nose, and then didn't know how to process what I was receiving... but that has been almost 8 years since then. Why are softer scents assulting me now? It seems like every person I stand next to is something wholly different. I can stand twenty feet down wind from a smoker and still have to repress a cough. Its almost insane.

I do not understand why I am suddenly so sensitive to smell, but it is defiately interesting to experience the world this way, almost nose first. Its like just a few days ago when I was walking by the art building. I have passed there so many times before, playing with the yellow flowering plants that overhang the wall. But... this past week I walked by, and for the first time noticed there were wild blackberries inside those bushes, ripe and ready to eat. I took just one, washed it in a sprinkler, and enjoyed it on my way to morning class. It was a special, secret treat, and now a precious memory of a small thing that brings me a lot of happiness.

Wednesday, April 06, 2005


Sashibudi/long time.

Well. I did try once before, but it didnt actually send and I was too lazy to rewrite it all.

So what has happened in these past few months, after all my wild promises?

I am still dragging my feet. Slowly, painfully. But I am still thinking about change. That is my light. I havn't given up completely.

I started up a new diet again- trying to follow a computer program we had to buy for nutrition. Heh. It was going fairly well, but then I became sick, lost six pounds in two days... that messed up measurements, and then I went home, and then to Houston, and those days were hard to keep track of. Then these past two days I pretty much went on a binge. I bought icecream, cookies, and hamburger helper. I am an odd girl that binges on stuffed bellpeppers and oatmeal cookies, ne? Not even good ones- the ones you can buy in school cafeterias. I bought two individual snowballs too. I was going to enjoy the sweets. Well. I gave one cookie away at the counter to a little girl behind me. Made me realize how much spanish speaking ability I have lost- I asked the mom permission to give it to her first, but it was hard. I need to practice more spanish.. I dunno, maybe watch some spanish subs? In any case, I ate what I could, saved the rest for yesterday, and then finished it all off.

You wanna know the funny thing? I debated putting it into the computer program because I didn't want to see how bad it was. But I did, today. And I was actually under alloted caloric intake. I ate crappy stuff, but technically not enough that it mattered. Should have all been burned up with the daily activity of breathing. And you wanna know what? I want to know how the hell I put on the weight in the first place, because this is ridiculous. I thought I had eaten soo much, and yet it said I was still around 500 calories below maintenance level... so is this just because of the underactive thyroid and polycystic o. disorder? Man.. that would be a bitch. Ive been under eating my entire life, but because I got bad genes I just keep going up and up...

Oh. Scholastic wise, I am a mess, but strangely, it doesnt seem to be affecting me all that much- conciously. I am sure that the few twinges I have are because my subconcious is screaming in torture. I didn't turn in my first paper for architecture. I still havnt turned in my second one- its now 3 days late. I have a project/case study due this Friday as well, but I have no desire to do it. I think I actually might be blaming my laziness on fear... or the other way around? or hell, emotions are complicated, so it could be both? Daisies coming up everywhere.

I finished and erased my last semester's incomplete. Was an annoying experiment with 4o0 different screens asking me to classify the horizontal line as A or B. Then another 400 screens asking me to classify people as Joneses or Smiths with no criteria other than they are family. But I am strangely attracted to getting 10$ at a time for signing up to do that. Since I still dont have a real job.

I went back to Ft. Worth for the Cirque Dream, and took Sarah. It was awsome. I was a bit hesitant to ask her, considering the problems we have had in the past. But she remembered, and it was nice to get to talk. She is going through the Man Stage right now- has around 4 of them. One she wants to mess with because he is a jerk from hs, who tried to mess with her again. Interesting how she met the new serious one though- Willy (and even she agrees this is an unfortunate name). Cynthia took it upon herself to screen men for Sarah online, and then give them her screen name. Willy seems to be nice, and good to Sarah.. I might have to employ Cynthia in a few more months. (Still absolutely sure that while I envy people with relationships, I am not ready to have one. I am not mature enough to deal with it.)

As for now, I have developed fairly close relationships with some online friends. Llysana, around 22 in NE part of the states, aspiring childrens author, and Bas, 26ish, in Berlin, works at a computer for most of the day, from Shoujomagic, and then Gobo on the Go from PoT irc channel- only I talk to him on aim. I actually gave someone my aim name... he's chinese, republican, and bostonian. Wounded Chinese vet with a cane, and going to school to do some really complicated computer chip designing stuff. I actually talk to these people more than I do Jinny now.

Marcus has broken up with Alisa, and he told her he is just too immature, but he told me she is too clingy. I am keeping my mouth shut this time. She is hurt, and he is mad, but they will work it out. As for me, I am actually over my mini crush on the guy. I don't know exactly when it happened... but yeah. He doesn't make me flutter inside anymore. I see him more as wimpy and whiney, and above all a bit dirty- the whole rats thing.

One thing I have yet to get over, and it is bothering me more lately- Joseph. I want to try to patch things up with him, but I have no contact information for him. I am tempted to ask Sarah for it, but I have already told her I classified him as a childhood friend. I do, actually. But that classification hurts. Its not like I believe that I can forget what happened, but I would like a chance to clear out the grounds and build something new. Not destroy or forget what was there before, but to continue on, a little wiser. Hagia Sophia style- the roof fell in, so lets clear it out and build again.

Hmm.. what else? Scotts painting is not finished, but I did talk to him about it. I have till mid summer to finish. I need to get working on it, once again. I have not started Marcus' picture- he requested a small smoke element dragon in grey and red, oil on canvas, $50.

I applied to Japanese Study abroad program, talked with dad about funding- which is still a mystery. They are running out of money fast, and its scary. My mother appears to be out of control on the spending- she seems to believe that if its for 'the business' its okay because even if she looses money, its a tax write off. She keeps horrible records on top of that. Dad is at his wits end, and it makes them argue. I keep on saying it was his choice to marry.. but even though I see the fights and resentment, I still remember that day at the hospital. Its an odd feeling to have such confidence in their love. I envy the emotion, if not always the choice of people.. heh. But who doesnt have their faults?

I am considering going to the gym with my neighbor behind me- Marisa. She hired a dietition for herself, and is loosing weight. I would like to be along side her, but I am afraid of the time restrictions. Of course, I spend so much time reading manga and watching anime I should just suck it up. My parents are willing to pay for it. Another hint about how horrible my health is right now... they dont have money to fix a hole in the roof, but they have enough for a gym membership for me.

I have come to a realization, though I am not sure whether I have said it before. I now know where my stress comes from;I do not want to dissappoint my parents. I pressure myself, trying to find something to do with myself that will be worthy of the effort, time and expense they have spent in raising me. I have to become something that will make them proud, that will do more than that even- make them amazed at my existence. Heh, the funny thing is that in the back of my mind I know they really do want me to be happy, and that is all it takes. A smile from me and its worth it. Such strong love hurts, because I don't deserve it. This is what family is. The expectations, and the unwavering support. As long as I let them into my heart, they will be there for me.

Its a scary thought- and I have to wonder if I will ever be capable of loving like that. I want to support them when I am older, and make sure they are taken care of. I want my mother to have her trips to the mountains in the winter, and my dad his trips to the best fishing grounds in the summer. Spring for fly fishing, and Alaska in the heat of the summer. Heh, foregoing unforseen circumstances all that is a pipe dream, but maybe I can make sure they are comfortable and do not have to work too hard. It is hard to imagine I ever thought I wanted to leave them far behind and never look back.

I guess this goes back to the not ready for a relationship yet. I was able to look at dating before because I did not have a true concept of love. I only knew friendship, and held it at the same level as family bonds. I do not doubt that I had true feelings, but I do not think I could properly analyze them with the experience of that time. No movie can prepare you for seeing your own family exhibiting this quality in the open. I can't do that for a stranger yet. I know some people say it doesnt matter, that one should date for fun, but I think it is too painful to play around with, when it is not completely understood.

In any case, that is my update for now. I shall try to post more often.