Thursday, June 30, 2005


From nothing to report to the small rumblings of things to come.

I was having trouble getting in contact with Blockbuster, but they called me today and I officially fill out paperwork tomorrow. I am hoping the orientation is this weekend, and training next week.. kinda. I want to start working as soon as possible- but the problem comes with these being all day events. Training may be done on my time, but orientation, if I remember correctly, begins in the morning. Plus I have a 9 - 4:30 leadership meeting for yellow cab on Tuesday. Its paid, but it goes over my normal hours and could cause problems for training. I am worried about how these two will match up- and if I have to wait till the week after next, it puts me two weeks behind schedule, and $600 shorter.

On top of this are a few smaller annoyances. First, my insurance card is gone, so is my IRS check and the cash mom sent me in the mail. There is pretty much no way to recover them- $65 gone. Mom keeps focusing on it, which in turn makes me think about it even though I am aware there is nothing I can do. I am half worried I accidentally threw it away with junk mail- but there is no way I would have done that to a real letter with a handwritten envelope. Tomorrow I am supposed to call the IRS people to find out if the check has been cashed, and try to get another one.

Then there is the matter of Yellow Cab messing up on my checks. They neglected four hours last week, and around 9 this week- which left me $134 short, and unable to make rent and bills without assistance. So I owe mom and dad $300. I borrowed more than needed just in case, and to keep the account from being empty.

On top of all this is one last cherry- I had a $200+ phone bill this last month. Something about a 104 minute call to Detroit which I am unsure of. There are a few more to Detroit, and then also some to Corpus Christi which I for sure didn't make. Mom is looking for ways to contest the bill. But I still do not like causing them trouble. It will all work out though, I have faith that it will.

But despite all of this there is good all around me. I did make contact with Blockbuster and I am hired. I WILL make at least 500$ per week, beginning at latest, in two weeks. I keep getting complimented at Yellow Cab for making so few errors. While I am a bit unsatisfied with the company and the actual work, I am making good money steadily, and am doing a good job. I have made progress on painting Scott's murals.

Other people have good things as well- Jinny has a second job as a hostess in Houston. Marcus just bought new speakers, and got a loan for a car. He is so excited and I am very happy for him. He is even talking about Ben getting a kitten when they move into their new place, and making play dates for Kyuubi and what he hopes will be named Kirara. Sarah told me Joseph is getting married again. Well, for the first time, but actually going through with it now, and with a different girl. That is kind of happy. Alisa and I have actually set out our schedule for our trip to Japan. We decided on it tonight over dinner.

On a more personal note, I have been... straying? from the general philosophy of boys are useless.. I think. I am not sure. Recently it has been brought to my attention exactly how wonderfully I have been treated by the important male friends in my life. I am extremely lucky to have them with me. Yes, I have been burned a few times, but overall, I do not think I would have made it this far without them. Michael, Joseph, Jojo, Billy, Marcus. Its very strange to me to think I have such good friends that would go very far to make me happy. I worry a little bit though because Jinny says I flirt too much. But what she calls flirting I do not even notice... its a bit frustrating to not know if I am acting weird around them- or guys in general. But... these people know I have no interest in dating right now and they help me anyway- and not always intentionally. Small things out of nowhere. Being told I am beautiful by someone who has no alterior motive and is almost impossible to give them one. Being nice enough to let me talk for hours about a problem and actually listening and giving good advice... guys arent supposed to do that, right? I am begining to think that I may not actually deserve these people.

Right now I still do not want to date anyone just on the idea it would be too much of a hassel, and I still do not have a firm grip on myself. But working hard and acomplishing things, no matter how small is making me feel more secure. I can earn enough to live on my own if I have to. I do have some will power. I find myself looking over the people around me and smiling, and wishing I could just snuggle up with them. Nothing more than just feeling arms around me again, and knowing that this time they do care about me. Of course, its against the rules. I may not understand flirting, but I think anyone would be weirded out if I asked if I could use them as a comfort pillow. Its just.. the idea is seeming nice. Having someone to talk to every night, and to spoil. And I suppose, be spoiled by. Being so carefully treated does make me feel a bit special- even if it is just common curtesy to them. I feel a bit starry eyed. But I am not ready for that, and I wont give in. I dont have the time even if I wanted to. But even when school starts again, I will need to focus on myself. No dating until I can keep up with myself. I would hate to drag someone so special and wonderful down with me. But for the first time, I am not exactly worried about it. I really do believe that I will become satisfied with my own identity enough to let someone else in. Its not so confident that I am willing to talk about myself with my mother saying when I get married, but at least saying that I will never marry seems too extreme now. It is on the whole a good thing, even if it is confusing for now.

Monday, June 27, 2005

Not Much to Say

But I am here anyway. I have around 30 minutes left till I go to sleep, and then its work tomorrow morning. I should have been more productive this weekend, but I was not. I worked 40 hours last week, and I took the heck off for Sunday and Monday. Unfortunately I did not get a call back from Blockbuster, which is what I was expecting today. Its a bit disturbing, but there is nothing I can do to help that.

I stayed inside all weekend, did the bare minimum of chores, and cooked spaghetti and creme brule. The brule is cooling now, and I will broil the sugar crust before I go to bed tonight. I did have a reason for doing nothing this weekend- last week during grocery shopping I hurt my back. Badly. I tried to carry too much up the stairs at once in my travel bag and strained/tore a muscle is the best I can figure. Meanwhile it hurts so bad that after a hot pad and three tylenol later, I still cant raise up my legs to rest on the desk, or walk without cringing and hunching over. Thus this weekend = rest. Its a little better today, but who knows what tomorrow will bring. I was supposed to talk to the campus health center about it, but I woke up late and forgot all about it. Kinda. Mom called and I still 'forgot.' Or thought about it with no action, briefly.

Instead I watched all of full metal panic fufumoffu again, including two eps I missed last time. I also watched the first 27 episodes of Full Moon wo Sagashite, and discovered that my second disk was broken :(. I... played games and earned an aditional 12 thousand points for Petekerol-kun on NeoPets, and... I spent lots and lots of time sleeping in the bathtub and wishing I had the energy and flexability to actually shave my legs. Ah.. its the little things you miss when you get slapped upside the head by your body for doing stupid things.

Anyway.. thats about it for this weekend. This week it will be waiting to get the Houston pics from Scott, and hear from Blockbuster, while practicing Spanish once again with my trusty Repaso book which mom mailed to me and answering telephones for Yellow Cab. I do find it amusing to discover homework that I never did from four years ago. I also like that I did not write in my books back then, so I have plenty of empty pages to go back over the exercises with. The more I read though, the more I realize I am just having trouble hearing what they say more than understanding it. Well, that and the unfamiliar streetnames. I am slightly concerned though that if I continue to review my Spanish, it might get mixed back up with the Japanese which I feel like I am already begining to forget. :( And the Japanese is very important- I have to be able to talk while I am over there.

Oh yes, I am still going. Although I am getting more and more worried about there being enough funding. But I am still going.

**30 minute update: this weekend now has one event. Its been a while, but I set another fire in the kitchen. I tried to clean the cat box while the sugar crust was being melted... and it caught fire. But it was small compaired to previous fires as I was able to react fast enough to even avoid the fire alarm from going off. Still... my beautiful creme brule had a giant paper thin black bubble on the top which I peeled off to the best of my ability. It doesnt seem to have damaged the custard though, so maybe tomorrow I could try again for the crust. Meanwile, I will wait till the smoke clears out and then go to bed.

Wednesday, June 22, 2005

A Moment of Peace

I am amazed right now because I feel completely together. I feel like I have a hold on all the puzzle peices, and nothing is slipping, and the clock is marching right on time. Everything is coming together perfectly.

I have been moved to full time, 7 am - 3pm shift at yellow cab. I have Sundays and Mondays off. I have applied, been called up for an interview, and am in 98% probability of being hired for an aditional 25 - 30 hours per week at Blockbuster down the road. If I work this right, I could have enough hours to make $700 a week. I got overtime at yellow cab for last week. I have around two months left to earn the money to pay off rent, credit card, bills and buy a ticket.

Today I got my social security card and my birth certificate in the mail. I will go apply for my passport tomorrow. I am slightly scared but I think I might have to pull out the extra 60 dollars for the rush on it. Also I found a discrepancy with my birth certificate- first its hamster chewed, second, my dads birth place is wrong. Hopefully they dont want me to get the birth cirtificate fixed first.

I called Scott today and emailed him a copy of the letter I tried to send him on Sunday. This time he got it, but I pretty much said everything that was in the letter anyway. He started getting excited about it, which I was glad to hear. We talked about the themes behind it, and he was impressed. I am glad, but nervous that my painting might not live up to his expectations from the thoughts I put behind it. But I will be mostly quiet for now and wait for what he says.

I am slightly worried because I am definately looking low on time to finish his painting- especially if I work more hours at Blockbuster. I need to figure out how to build those frames. I requested a hundred dollars for materials, but it wont be enough. Thats okay for now though. I am worried about making enough money to get the tickets for Japan in time- but I think if mom and dad put it on their credit card, I could pay them back shortly. I made $700 these past two weeks at yellow cab (counting up till Sunday), and even though that will go down because I wont get overtime next pay period, I will still have an aditional 40 - 60 hours at Blockbuster- another $240 to $360 dollars. That would be nice- to pull in a thousand dollars in two weeks. It would be enough to pay rent and bills, and the credit card, and half of the ticket. So in one month, I should have enough to pay for the rest of the ticket.

But despite all these worries, I feel good. I am doing the absolute best I can at this point. I am not set up to be able to work any harder. The problem will become the rent for August, depending on when financial aid kicks in. If I get it before we leave, then I am set. If not, I might be a whopping $900 short. Well, I just redid the calculations- maybe not. I might only be $500 short, which can be covered with the credit card. But either way, the rest will depend on an entity we can call God, and his favorite incarnation, Luck. It has been rumored that my grandmother will be giving me a thousand dollars towards my trip. I will not rely on this, but I can't keep my eyes from turning in their direction with hungry hope. I am sad and pathetic that way. I should not accept such a gift, but I will. This is my dream, as I have expressed countless times here. I will probably be back on with more calculations after my pay check has been issued. It will be the biggest one of my life, and yet, I will have nothing left over. I am beginning to understand how Dad feels.

On the up side, even if I am short, even with grandma's gift, I think I can count on my parents to help out. They are watching over me and I think are very impressed with the amount of work I have taken on for myself. I am glad that I can show this side of me to them.

For now, things are working out as I have set them up. I gave myself a difficult course, but I can do this if I keep the end goal in mind. I will be better for this summer, and this experience- both the trip to Japan, and this summer's struggle of setting and reaching a very high goal.

Monday, June 13, 2005

Back at Work

I did my first day of training... it was okay. I can tell it will be boring after a while- but I didn't choose the job for the excitement. It pays okay. And I can work full time at another job after this week, while maintaining this one.

Donell was my supervisor/trainer for today. I at first just listened to him take calls, then he started explaining buttons to me. He let me try to take the calls at first all by myself, but that was a bit confusing without knowing the keys very well, trying to concentrait on both at once. He took back over, and later, I stole the keyboard from him and pressed the keys while listening to him get the information. He still repeats a lot of the information for me, and I am still not able to get it all in one, or always push the right buttons. But I have several more days of training. I am glad we get so much training for sure though.

Ive been a bit sick today, I am going to have to leave the house soon to pick up some medicine. I am debating with myself whether or not to get a dessert or pick up something to eat on the way back. I have been starving. I thought I was supposed to be there at 8:30, but it was 8am. I made it on time, barely. I lost my social security card, and spent my lunch looking for it. Then Iwas let off at 3pm to go get a new one, and spent till around 5:30 waiting in line with other board and witty people with a strong bitter feeling.

I got home, called my folks and told them about my day- mostly what was written here. And mom says I have a sinus infection and I need meds so I should go get them. :( I want to stay here... but I want to eat. I had some clam chowder when I got home.. but its not feeling very filling right now. I also need to work more on scotts painting. I think that I will make my store run, pick up something small to munch on, eat it and watch some Samurai Deeper Kyo, then bathe, and then look at how I might improve on this idea of a painting yet again. I might call Sarah.

For sure though, I am getting to sleep by midnight. No more question of meeting the bedtimes... the cure is a job. It just sucks the night owl out of ya. I barely got 5 hours last night, due to lack of air. My nose is soo clogged up. Okay, now to the store.

Sunday, June 12, 2005

I have started

and I am now overwhelmed with the work. I want to get something quickly to Scott- his painting is what I started today- but I am now all too aware of the options present to me.

I looked at over 300 pictures of various monuments and buildings of Houston. I picked out maybe around 20 that interested me. But here is the fun thing- when they are abstracted, they all pretty much appear the same.

Now granted, not all of them are this way- they have unique shapes and materials to them. But I can't be so specific, since I am supposed to make these paintings fit with the others he already has, and also to match the color scheme of the rug. Which is another thing. There is lots of glass in these buildings. LOTS of glass.. which means lots of natural blues and greys.. where his carpet is done in reds and browns with black.

Case in point- as I was looking up photos, I was watercoloring rough ideas of how things would go. I have an equal amount of blue, voilent and green based areas... I think the only way to overcome this may be to paint as if all the buildings are covered in smog... which won't be too far fetched since Houston is so dirty anyway... but its not flattering.

Another issue just realized tonight- the upper portion of the canvas is remarkably blank, for the amount of action going on in the middle and lower portions. It becomes very unbalanced. This is broken up in his already finished pictures by focusing only on the details of a particular type of building, or simply drawing a line across the canvas, and making a collage of fragmented segments mostly distinguished by color change.

I sigh as I think it, but I might just be afraid of expansive blank spaces. I was worried that having too little in the paintings might make them boring and easy to overlook. However the more I look the more my desire to make this a painting about the architectural scene of Houston seems like it is getting in the way of continuing the origional intended style. Exactly how strict did Scott mean to be on it?

I am about determined to actually use the material I researched tonight. I think it would be awsome to have my painting reflect his windows that show down town Houston, and for him to be able to talk to someone and tell them which lines represent what building. A deeper painting than just mimicing what is already on his wall... a true piece of art. But then... does that qualify as a gimick? I hate gimicky stuff... but to me this idea seems neat. Its not something that is redily apparent because it is abstracted, and I wanted to comment on the worldliness of Houston by perhaps linking the first painting to ancient forms around the world, or at least past historical models.

I wonder if I could get away with doing the blurred red brown smog abstracted version, and then doing a crisper, muddy blue voilet version that more accurately reflected the true city and materials... but then it would really look out of place.

I think perhaps a way to deal with the open space at the top I mentioned before would be to segment the painting like the other artist did and to give up on the idea of a coherent skyline... but rather just have a jumble of details on a wash of background... but then that will definately not blend with the other paintings- no matter if they are the same color scheme or not. Grrr. Choices, choices.

Anyway, I need to sleep.. training for the taxi cab dispatch starts tomorrow, 8:30 am, plus I am a might sick. I need the rest. I will let what I have done tonight dry, and then look at it when I get home tomorrow.

I may just go ahead and do studies of each building to get their feel, and also figure out how I would abstract them without loosing their identity.

Friday, June 10, 2005

Update Pat II

It is now 11:35 and I have just taken off my shirt from the job interview. THE interview. I think I did good. I had a rough start this morning, but I think it went okay. I wish I were stronger in stating my Spanish skills. I know that I have lost a lot of vocabulary and grammar, but I believe it will come back fairly easy with some practice. I hope I did not sound like I was trying to back out of saying I could speak Spanish. I can.

They seem like nice people. I met with two people- Doneta and her boss/president of the company. He impressed upon me the need to work well, and to be on time. To do my job while I am here, and that I will be depended upon, even though the job says part time. It is not a career position, but it could be ongoing in the fall. He said he is used to working with students, and he is willing to work with their schedules, but he needs more than 20 hours a week for it to be considered beneficial to both parties. I have no disagreements there.

I am now all dressed up with nowhere to go. Its okay though, I think that I will put up this mornings mess of clothes- I tried on at least seven different outfits, some of them twice, before settling on one. Afterwards, it would be nice to finish Ruroni Kenshin (manga), and then finish my oil painting for above the sink. Then I should look at Scotts paintings. Not LOOK.. start on. There we go. If I say it this way, maybe it will work.

I also mailed off the bills I wrote out yesterday, along with a letter/card for Sarah. Just to tell her hi. I dunno if she reads this (peers out at the crowd/person with suspicion) but if she does... well she knows she's got something coming. I did give her the adress, but she doesn't seem like the type to spend much time online with these kinds of things. I guess that has its benefits for me... like I can complain about her and she wont know.... but thats just not fair.

Isabel charge! To do actions... and listen to fun music while feeling guilty for ignoring the cute kitty. What happened to the charge again? Charge!!!

Status Update

and the turning of tides? who knows.

Well, I said I would have a job by Wednesday.. I am a little surprised.. I did not lie. I have a job. I was hired around 5pm, Wednesday evening. Its not the job I wanted, or needed, but it is a start. It keeps me from living in deficit. And lets face it, after the bills that I finally wrote out (after two months.. its gonna hurt on the credit report but I just forgot about them), I need the money. Only around $300 left in financial aid from the school. Three more weeks until rent is due again. You see the pinch? But yeah.. I am now an official yellow cab dispatcher running the graveyard shift phones on Wednesdays and Fridays for 7.50$ an hour. 50 cents extra if I can pass the Spanish proficiency exam. I think I can... maybe. If I get it in me to study this weekend.

I have still not started painting... and it is getting time to show Scott some serious paintings. I will make a point to clean up and start painting tomorrow after I get back from my SECOND job interview. Yes. I am trying out for a second job, which may interfere with the first that I already have. Its 30 hours a week plus, for ten an hour, and its basically answering phones and doing data entry. Which is what I wanted.. minus the phones. I really hate the phones. But, for $300 a week minimum, I will deal with phones. Heck, I was willing to deal with nothing but phones for only $75 a week. I hope it goes well tomorrow/today. Its 11 am today basically. I am intimidated by a truely professional atmosphere. I can fake it.. or at least try.

I finally changed the sheets on my bed... they have needed it for a while.. and I had intentions of doing it the past three days. But they are clean now and I bet they feel so soft and fresh... mmmm.

Suprisingly, I have not gained any more weight since finals left out. I do not have much hope of this continuing without putting some serious effort into it. I am again going to try for reinstating the exercise thing. Its just so hot out here... I think biking and canoeing may be my main activity besides dancing while painting.

Oh, I bought cleaning products. I am seriously trying to kill the cat smell in the apartment. Its bothering me so much. I can ignore it and not notice it for a while, but then when it does hit me.. ugh. I have been cleaning out the box... more frequently than before, and I have scrubbed a few suspicious spots in the carpet. But I want to buy a black light to make sure because its just not going away. I havnt seen her pee on the carpet... but that doesnt mean she isn't being sneaky. If she is, she will find herself living a new life as a patio cat who walks on a leash while inside.

Actually getting dressed every day has a downside. Lots of laundry. I know I am catching up on it... but it just... feels like its never going to work out. Plus it doesnt help that recently it has slowed to a load per day.

Okay well it is late, and I need sleep... if I can actually get there. I am nervous. I am scared. I am afraid I am going to oversleep, stuttor, be dressed wrong, be unable to make my hair do anything decent and end up looking like a wild woman who has no fashion sense and who was dropped on her head as an infant. I want this job. More than that, I want to be sure that I am capable of doing this job.

Just remember Heather...85% of the world is stupid. You can act like it some times, but you are neither one of their officers, nor even have permanent rank in the numbers. :D Do I sound convincing to you?

Thursday, June 02, 2005

The Effect of A Packing Mistake (and more)

So I am home now- Austin home. I call this home, but I still can't help but say "itekimasu" when crossing the Tarrant County line... I guess Fort Worth will always be home, no matter where else I go. Definition of home and all... goes back to the assignment from Architectural Theory :P.

I know I am supposed to be busy, but I completely vegged out these past two days.. well I did check for jobs online, applied to one. I need to be more agressive. Tonight I started to seriously unpack and start up again on laundry. I keep not wanting to do anything, and yet wanting to do things, and ignoring the fact that I need to keep active because if I go too long without action I will get into a funk- endorphine/action relation thing. I think its cool that it is actually proven that moving makes you feel better. But always, doing is harder than saying. Anyway, tonight is cleaning and dancing and singing- tomorrow I WILL (edited to be more firm) I WILL get started on my to do list. If I continue to slack, I will end up not going to Japan. And I still believe that Japan is necessary for my heart's survival. Besides that- its not just me alone now. I have Alisa depending on me.

But anyway, back to the title- I don't know whose it is, I would guess my mother's except I really don't want to think about her wearing it, but a shirt that is not mine got mixed in with my clothes. Its small and black, and completely sexy. It ties behind the neck, is low cut, and has a flashy buckle between the brests. I couldn't resist- I put it on. To go with it I put on my flowy black and white bathing suit cover- tied at the waist with the split going up the hip. Then I had to complete it, the new high heels from my mother. Clear plastic heels, with three thin black straps over the toes held together with a sparkly butterfly clip. Since I didn't do anything with my hair today, its in messy ringlets and still in a bun from sleeping last night. God, I am 21 years old, and still playing dress up. It was so fun. I am still wearing it. I love it.

Then of course, on of my favorite songs came on the radio- "She don't know she's beautiful." Well, I know I am not beautiful, but a girl can dream. I really did feel like a girl with all of this... I started twirling and laughing. I want to be that girl in the song. I want to be able to wear this top in public and swish my hips and flash some thigh and get whistles when I didn't even do my hair.

Right now, I don't think I could ever be happy with how I look. Even if I lost 100% of the weight, I just don't have the skill to be a real woman. I can't really concentrait on shopping and making trendy outfits. I will never be able to shave my legs perfectly smooth without slicing a peice of skin off, and I will never be able to actually do my hair. As a woman I am a failure and will always be. I think I can live with that, so long as I am not a complete embarassment to the sex. A good brain and heart do a lot to keep me from being a failure as a human being. BTW- attempting to be a guy... is not an option. I am not completely messed up here okay?

Its somewhat funny for me to even think of myself as looking like a real girl. I can see me walking into some place- perfect hair, body, skin, and clothes. Walk is fine... then I open my mouth... and the image is ruined. A Southern accent, vulger jokes, and completely not delicate. Doing running along the river .... with my fishing pole. I would be a complete anomally (spelling please?). I would be a complete shock at the gun shows and boat shows. In the passenger seat of some city guy's fancy car, remarking on the crops as we pass by and looking for deer and cayotes...

I am a country girl and that doesn't match with the refined image I have for the perfect me. Going home was a big eye opener for me about how citified I had become. I was raised country for the most part. But I have all these odd interests- languages, cultures, theater, art and history. I like cooking different cuisines just as much as I like doing survival campfires with snake and beef jerky. Okay that might be the same thing.. but still... lots of contradictions. I want to do the country homelife.... have the gardens, pick the crops, talk on the fences, raise the kids. And then I want to go out at night to fancy restraunts and theaters and exhibits. They don't mesh...

So this has got nothing to do with looks I know.. although it started out this way.. but I have a kind of dual personality that doesn't reconsile easily. It makes no sense and doesn't feel right unless I don't pay attention at all. But that is just ignoring the problem, and won't get me closer to having everything I want.

Part of this started when I met Kelly again. She is married. It still hits me weird. Not only that... she has a house. Signed on it last Friday. She has furniture too. She signed on it when she was still 19. Its not cheap either- 92,000. That is more expensive than my parents home. She has a good job, and a man she loves. They were able to have a fantastic wedding and a wonderful honeymoon. Just to give those who don't know the price of weddings- photography alone averages $15,000. Thats average- not on the high end which goes up to around $50,000.

I keep compairing what she has, and what Ray and Pat (her parents) have with what my parents have. I can understand why my mother is upset. Compaired with the amazing house Ray and Pat now have, my parents are pauppers. Our entire house could fit in their living room and kitchen area. That doesn't include the utility room, the guest bedroom and bathroom, the garage or the second story. Not to mention the toys they own with the house- the boat and motorcycle. A real Harly Davidson... and those are amazingly expensive. Not even ten years ago they were living in a trailer in the middle of nowhere. Yet all of this has changed for them.

And my mother is in the same house they moved into when she married my father and it has no storage, leaks that wont be fixed, cracks all over from foundation problems, and the bathroom has been ripped apart for almost two years. Not only that, but she can't even afford to finish fixing her teeth. The Jeep needs to be replaced, the boat is old and coming apart as well. None of the house repairs she wants have been done. Its a small wonder she keeps trying to make small fixes of her own- even though it would be better if she didn't. I have never been more aware of the differences in wealth than I am now.

There is no doubt in my mind that my father could have done better- but he has been to cautious with his money. If he had invested earlier, and had more faith, we could have been better off. He works so hard. There is no way he would let his venture fail, if he could just get the nerve to do it. Instead, my mother is the one who is operating the businesses- and she has no business sense. I want to scream at her... sit her down and pound it into her head that she is not small time. That for all intensive purposes, she has four jobs. First and foremost is the accounting and books of her booth. Second is her job as a nurse. Third is her job as a product selector for her booth. Fourth, and last, is as a wife and homemaker. Likewise, my father needs to understand that he needs to help around the house. Heh... everyone has shortcomings. But mother wont realize that her business is not simply for the tax break. A tax break is only to lessen the amount of money that is lost on a business if it should have a bad year... but she should be worried about making money.

What does all this have to do with my identity crisis of the moment? As the country girl I think I could survive with a mediocre life in the country with not much more than a small house and huge gardens. A boring job everyday that lets me off early to be the homemaker. But I would miss the competitive edge of the city and a challenging job.. as well as the grand vacations overseas. I have the determination of my mother, and the cautiousness of my father. This does not make for a life like Ray and Pat's.. which is somewhat what I want. He is his own boss, she works part time for him and takes care of the house. They can afford a nice house on the lake, and the toys to enjoy their time off, as well as pay for trips to Mexico... and I would assume other areas if they had a desire to go. Ray still likes to collect guns and hunt and fish... he is still as country as they get.

I feel slightly scared as I say this... guilty too. I want to be like my dad's best friend...not my dad. Is it betraying them to say I want to become someone very different than my parents? Also... Ray is a highschool dropout. What he has is not education, but determination and guts and the will to continue on even when he wasn't sure where to go. And here I am, getting an education... a huge advantage... yet I don't even have the ability to make myself keep up the laundry or the catbox clean.

There is obviously a way to make what I want happen. I can make my split personalities blend, just like my split lives that I desire... I can be the rough and tumble country redneck, and still look like a well kept city woman. I can have my quiet home life with kids and a garden, while maintaining a competitive business that gives me the financial freedom to take long expensive vacations in the summer, and go hunting on a lease and fishing on my boat for the weekends and holidays. Someone is living that way right now infront of me. But the question is can I follow their example and make my own path? What I am equiped with is the cautiousness of my father, and the whimsicalness of my mother...

Heh.. that is what this summer is supposed to be for. Creating a routine of work for myself- one where I can follow my own directions without external pressure. I will be employed by next week.. somehow. That is my current goal. I am going to .... okay so I called my parents. I didn't mean to talk so long, just check about a doctors appointment for tomorrow- which has been cancelled. But I ended up explaining the whole identity crisis to mom- determination issue and all. Mom's conclusion- thats the condition of life, it can't be solved in a nights worth of thinking. Just do the best you can. I can't really say more than that right now, except that it does not satisfy me.

But I like her 'perameters' idea. I am going to start with job by next Wednesday, dressed every day, sleep by 1am every night, and up at 10am every day. We will also reinstate the two hour daily exercise via biking, walking, canoeing or other activity. Maybe even stretching in the morning if I can keep the floor clear. Hopefully the end results will be enough money to go to Japan, a steady energy flow for the days, and a net loss of 25 lbs before the beginning of the fall semester. Also, I am no longer going to buy candy. If I want something sweet then I will not make it. I will go out to a restraunt or store and buy a single serving that will not be taken home. If it is not available, I can't eat it. Wish me luck on my endeavor, yet again.