Thursday, June 30, 2005


From nothing to report to the small rumblings of things to come.

I was having trouble getting in contact with Blockbuster, but they called me today and I officially fill out paperwork tomorrow. I am hoping the orientation is this weekend, and training next week.. kinda. I want to start working as soon as possible- but the problem comes with these being all day events. Training may be done on my time, but orientation, if I remember correctly, begins in the morning. Plus I have a 9 - 4:30 leadership meeting for yellow cab on Tuesday. Its paid, but it goes over my normal hours and could cause problems for training. I am worried about how these two will match up- and if I have to wait till the week after next, it puts me two weeks behind schedule, and $600 shorter.

On top of this are a few smaller annoyances. First, my insurance card is gone, so is my IRS check and the cash mom sent me in the mail. There is pretty much no way to recover them- $65 gone. Mom keeps focusing on it, which in turn makes me think about it even though I am aware there is nothing I can do. I am half worried I accidentally threw it away with junk mail- but there is no way I would have done that to a real letter with a handwritten envelope. Tomorrow I am supposed to call the IRS people to find out if the check has been cashed, and try to get another one.

Then there is the matter of Yellow Cab messing up on my checks. They neglected four hours last week, and around 9 this week- which left me $134 short, and unable to make rent and bills without assistance. So I owe mom and dad $300. I borrowed more than needed just in case, and to keep the account from being empty.

On top of all this is one last cherry- I had a $200+ phone bill this last month. Something about a 104 minute call to Detroit which I am unsure of. There are a few more to Detroit, and then also some to Corpus Christi which I for sure didn't make. Mom is looking for ways to contest the bill. But I still do not like causing them trouble. It will all work out though, I have faith that it will.

But despite all of this there is good all around me. I did make contact with Blockbuster and I am hired. I WILL make at least 500$ per week, beginning at latest, in two weeks. I keep getting complimented at Yellow Cab for making so few errors. While I am a bit unsatisfied with the company and the actual work, I am making good money steadily, and am doing a good job. I have made progress on painting Scott's murals.

Other people have good things as well- Jinny has a second job as a hostess in Houston. Marcus just bought new speakers, and got a loan for a car. He is so excited and I am very happy for him. He is even talking about Ben getting a kitten when they move into their new place, and making play dates for Kyuubi and what he hopes will be named Kirara. Sarah told me Joseph is getting married again. Well, for the first time, but actually going through with it now, and with a different girl. That is kind of happy. Alisa and I have actually set out our schedule for our trip to Japan. We decided on it tonight over dinner.

On a more personal note, I have been... straying? from the general philosophy of boys are useless.. I think. I am not sure. Recently it has been brought to my attention exactly how wonderfully I have been treated by the important male friends in my life. I am extremely lucky to have them with me. Yes, I have been burned a few times, but overall, I do not think I would have made it this far without them. Michael, Joseph, Jojo, Billy, Marcus. Its very strange to me to think I have such good friends that would go very far to make me happy. I worry a little bit though because Jinny says I flirt too much. But what she calls flirting I do not even notice... its a bit frustrating to not know if I am acting weird around them- or guys in general. But... these people know I have no interest in dating right now and they help me anyway- and not always intentionally. Small things out of nowhere. Being told I am beautiful by someone who has no alterior motive and is almost impossible to give them one. Being nice enough to let me talk for hours about a problem and actually listening and giving good advice... guys arent supposed to do that, right? I am begining to think that I may not actually deserve these people.

Right now I still do not want to date anyone just on the idea it would be too much of a hassel, and I still do not have a firm grip on myself. But working hard and acomplishing things, no matter how small is making me feel more secure. I can earn enough to live on my own if I have to. I do have some will power. I find myself looking over the people around me and smiling, and wishing I could just snuggle up with them. Nothing more than just feeling arms around me again, and knowing that this time they do care about me. Of course, its against the rules. I may not understand flirting, but I think anyone would be weirded out if I asked if I could use them as a comfort pillow. Its just.. the idea is seeming nice. Having someone to talk to every night, and to spoil. And I suppose, be spoiled by. Being so carefully treated does make me feel a bit special- even if it is just common curtesy to them. I feel a bit starry eyed. But I am not ready for that, and I wont give in. I dont have the time even if I wanted to. But even when school starts again, I will need to focus on myself. No dating until I can keep up with myself. I would hate to drag someone so special and wonderful down with me. But for the first time, I am not exactly worried about it. I really do believe that I will become satisfied with my own identity enough to let someone else in. Its not so confident that I am willing to talk about myself with my mother saying when I get married, but at least saying that I will never marry seems too extreme now. It is on the whole a good thing, even if it is confusing for now.


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