Saturday, July 02, 2005

Refreshed

By a bout of laughter and hard work.

I am truely strange, but I am in one of my truely high points. Life is great right now. I am working 40 hours a week, am about to raise that up to 80, and am going to clean most of the night to pass inspection from my parents tomorrow morning. Yes, I called them yesterday and let them know that I was not working Sunday and Monday, and thus they are coming. I have piles of laundry to do- and its my last full two day weekend. I must be crazy. But I am.. the best way to say it is truely happy, though I dont think the expression is adequate.

I came home from work, called grandma, talked to her, mom and auntie Brenda, then ate some cake and watched the last of Touch and then Howls Moving Castle. I want to buy that movie, I think. And then I took my shower. I changed the loads of laundry. Nothing much. But in the shower I just couldn't help but laugh. I have been working hard and have been very tired lately, but I realized I don't regret it.

All those times I wrote about doing what I wanted instead of working and cleaning and I was depressed and regreted those days after they were finished. And now I come home and am happy to have accomplished something. I am happy to have the foresight to make my lunch or breakfast the night before. When my back was hurting really bad, and it still hurts a little, but not much, I was even happy just to be able to put my feet on the desk without wincing. And I am happy to be up and to leave every morning before traffic gets bad, and with the morning talk radio. I could go on and on about the small things that I am enjoying right now.

This is what I needed, and this is what I was looking for I think, maybe since the beginning of High School. The feeling of walking steadily towards a goal on my own two feet, on a path I created. Not following the well traveled route of graduating, but doing something that was my own, was extreme, and was not dependant on my parents. I think about Japan every day. I do calculations every day. I take my travel book with me to work and back, inside and then back to the car, even when I don't plan to read it. The copy of the plans thus far is tucked inside the pages and ... it just feels good.

This is the closest I have ever been to setting a long term goal for myself, and accomplishing it. The form has changed a little, but it is still a goal from a long time ago. Even working for a full year towards it is the longest I have ever worked for anything. I couldn't even take proper care of a Beta fish just two years ago. I probably still couldn't do it. Kyuubi is lucky she can impose her will on me or she would be in serious trouble. But I have stuck with this.

I think I will scream all day when I finally leave. I mean... just getting my passport papers turned in was big. Now I am squealing because I am having to think of how to tell my boss that I will be leaving for two weeks. When I actually get to the terminal, I am going to be bouncing from wall to wall giggling like a nutball. Security will pull me aside thinking I am some strange mental escapee. And then when we actually get in the air? And then when we land? Will I still be standing? The mixture of fear and excitement might kill me before I ever set foot on foreign soil.

But more than anything, I am begining to feel confident in my choices and my ability to move myself. I am trying, and wheels are turning, just like the theory goes. I thought I was exagerating when I said it before- that if ever I was to believe that I could do anything, I would first have to prove that I could do this. And with each passing step closer to my goal, my strength and belief in myself grow.

Right now, I can feel myself moving forward on my own power, and it is exhilerating. True, this is just a side street in my life, and the main path- school- is still very messed up. But after this, I will be able to tackle it with a clear head. Slowly and deliberately forward, sometimes pushing myself hard in order to break through to where I want to be.

I might just achieve an interesting life after all.

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