Wednesday, July 13, 2005

Reintering the Atmosphere

That is what today has been. I am not on the ground nor diving below sea level, but despite my best efforts to keep walking on air, I have sunk in spirits just a little.

First is the sleep deprivation- partially caused by my addiction to anime which, while damaged is still hanging on strong. For example, I finally started watching GTO. I am not able to keep up with all the series I started, but I am starting a new one. Lack of sleep drains my energy, I am finding it harder (along with dwindling supplies) to make breakfast or any meal for myself. As a result, lots of snacking on things not really meant to be eaten, and lots of money wasted on fast food... ie 2 days at Jack in the Box, 1 day at Taco Bell, and 1 day at Thundercloud subs...two days with a coffee, two sandwhiches and a peaches and cream muffin at seven-eleven. I think I like Seven-Eleven the best. But its still money. Working one hour just so I can eat at work... it has got to stop, even if I starve.

This is also having an adverse effect on my weight.. maybe... I dunno. Its gone up 3lbs this summer which some might say is no big deal... but its that it is moving in the wrong direction. I will keel over and die soon if I gain too much more. Then I am also breaking out pretty bad- stress, or just personal care being thrown out the window due to fatigue.. I dunno. I know I could change my sheets more than once a week, and I prolly should do a face mask sometime soon. But it just doesn't interest me. Same with the exercise thing. I need to do some of that again... but its so hot and I am tired and there are a dozen unsatisfactory excuses to make. I know it should up my energy level but jeeze... how long till it takes effect?

Then there has been the weighing of time matters... financial aid release, credit card and bill payments, I am really getting nervous about the passport. I want it in my hand already. I still havn't told either workplace that I am leaving, and I have not finished or even started the paintings for Scott. I am still waiting on hearing from him. But at my current motivation level, I worry about whether I will be able to do it. I am the grape in the press right now, and unknown forces are turning the wheel. If it weren't for these small things, I think that I would have come home today with that same feeling of satisfaction I have been mentioning. But right now, satisfaction of a job well done can only be had when the job has been finished... and I am feeling very insecure right now. Despite the nervousness, I still have something in the back of my head saying it will all turn out well.

Part of those knawing feelings come from another discovery, the main acid in my heart right now. SO... if you want to know how far back I have been refering to the fair in Japan as the world architecture fair... you can flip through the archives... its a long time. Somewhere when I was researching the World Architecture Fair from 2000, and the Japanese pavilion, I clicked on a link and it showed me about the fair in Japan... and I suppose in my obsessed state of mine I just lumped it under... but its actually a different fair.. still lots of architecture, but Japan only. Methinks. I still havn't had the heart to look up more specifics.

Stop laughing or sympathizing... you have no idea how much it hurts to write that sentance. Even more, Alisa told me... via messenger. I told her I was going to be alseep by 8, so I didn't have to answer her response to my reply of what was architecture about the fair. I wasn't wrong when I stated the fairs connection to architecture, but... she was still right that it is not the World Arc Fair. Its kinda like playing a game of baseball and breaking the zipper on your pants, only you don't notice. Not only do you wear them for the rest of the day showing your panty design to everyone, but you wash and continue to wear them for the whole season. And no one says anything or appears to notice, until the last game when you are standing on the pitchers mound... What do you do?
My first thoughts were of how to hide the fact that I was wrong... thats interesting. Believe me. My plans to travel with a smart competent human being to a foreign country and convince her that a national event was international... relying on my evasive & misleading answers and her inability to understand the language... Yeah I am that dispicable. Then it was to apologize without loosing face and looking like an ill prepared idiot.. but wait? isn't my lack of preparation and research what caused the misunderstanding so don't I deserve that title? Do I try to blow it off like I figured it out and it was just a misuse of words? *sigh* alas, whether it was the concience or the lazy part of me who didnt want to keep up with the lies... I am going to just bite the bullet and say the truth to her.

When I think about it, there is not much of a difference. I was so excited to hear about the pavilions that would be there- we are not going just for the fair afterall. I am pouting because of a name change. Well, that.. actually it doesn't bother me. I think the trip will be just as great... what bothers me is my complete idiocy in missing the GIANT detail. And doing it publicly. Having to let everyone know who I talked to about the trip (thats a lot of folks), that I planned a trip for over half a year, and didn't even know that I was mixing up two different architecture fairs. I hate admiting mistakes. I am even wondering back and fourth of whether or not to correct my parents knowledge... they will get to see huge buildings in my photos.. what does it matter that they don't know the real name of the event? Heh... but then how sad am I to have to try to save face infront of my parents?

I will go to the real world architecture fair someday. Just not this time, nor prolly next year. (If I have anything to say about it, next year will be Bush Gardens with Marcus.)

But I think something has been off with my thinking about this trip until now... I kept on saying, its the trip of a lifetime. Once in a lifetime. How often does someone get to go to Japan? and the answer, the true answer to that, is as many times as they want to. This trip, this year is truely once in a lifetime- not because I am getting to go overseas for two weeks to Japan, but because it is the first trip in what will be a long succession of amazing trips that I myself will work hard for and earn. Since I have been able to work hard this summer, and make the money necessary to go to Japan, it only stands to reason that I can choose to live my life in such a way that I will be able to work hard similarly in the future, and do the same thing.

I was raised with the idea that such trips were rare and once in a life time events to be cherished. While I am glad that I can appreciate a trip like this for what it is, there are many people who are raised with this as nothing more than a biannual ritual. It is possible for me to take as many trips as I want in order to experience Japan in all different seasons and places.

So.. despite the mini bombs and the extra pressure, I am still looking forward. I am a bit weighed down by what I have overlooked, but I am still strong. I am still going to Japan on my own power, and I am still going to see Tokyo, and Kyoto and Nagoya and spend a night in an amazing onsen, and I am still going to see a national level fair that will have some great exhibits and architecture, and I am going with a truely wonderful friend who is kind enough to overlook my shortcomings, if I swallow my pride and give her the chance.

PS- on the Marcus worry thing... here is the funny strange part... I worry about him liking me, but it makes me sad when I leave it at he doesn't. Is that mean of me? I want the attention, but not the responsibility... I think. I am still lost there. But for now... the saving grace of today before I go to sleep and then to work(again) - Full Metal Panic: The Second Raid episode 1 in the raw. FINALLY.

and maybe tomorrow I will have the guts to inform Tomas of Japan trip.

Oh yeah... on the way home today... I saw something super scary- a white van with one of those hazardus chemical signs on the back- only it had the radioactive symbol, level 7. If gasoline is fire hazard level 3... what in God's green earth is a LEVEL 7???!! It was real too- they had an escort which I managed to cut into on accident. I think one of them followed me to the apartment because I followed the scary van for a little bit... they just drove through the complex when I went in to park.. maybe waited for me to check my mail at the front. It was just weird.. and scary. Maybe somewhat neat... how often does someone see a sign like that?


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